I've been using a headache tracking app for about a week, to gather data on the effectiveness of the cannabidiol and the various strains and methods of dosing I'm trying. Aside from that, it's made me face some painful truths like:

• when did this headache start really?
• did I actually do anything about it when I felt it beginning, or did I embark on a campaign of ignoring it?
• am I actually using all the tools at my disposal, or am I half-assing because I think calling it by name will give it power?
• oh look, a methodical approach to treatment yields more consistent results to diminish pain and symptoms, but it means admitting to myself I get more headaches than I like to think I do, which feels shameful for deep childhood reasons.
• yes it's abating, but I still have pain and symptoms, and clicking the "headache complete" button on the app won't magically banish the problem, I'm just trying to give myself permission to ignore it.

Which, yeah, are totally valid survival techniques when you don't have many options but to power through without resources. A lot of self-destructive habits take root because they save your life in the short-term. It's good to have those skills in your back pocket when the shit hits the fan and you do need them, but you need to be aware those are extreme situations, and it costs you to do that. And it's ridiculous to treat every episode of a chronic condition you've had since age 12 as a referendum on your willful stoicism and worth as a person. Knock it the fuck off.

This is me, trying to learn how to knock it the fuck off.