Got my mind right, boss

[feldman]

After three years, I've found my missing fountain pen. Collateral damage
from an neglected project, it was tucked into the rings of a beaten binder
and shoved under equally bereft knitting, dreaming like Cthulu under a sea
of yarn. I found it while looking for someplace to stow my algebra book, as
the soft binding had failed under heavy use.

There was my Waterman Phileas, waiting like a prince to be kissed back from
frogdom. It's been that kind of year.

I've been a novice working on my follow-through, and the first step was to
declare all current projects abandoned, all good intentions wiped from the
board. This has likely been the key to my staying sane lately, as this has
turned into the year where Everything Changes and you're only as nimble as
the amount of stuff you can leave behind. I stopped thinking of ideas as
promises, and suddenly I had a metric fucktonne of ideas to pick from. I'm
practicing the discipline of the shitty first draft (as one practices
meditation or downward dog) and it's disturbing how much work and how much
play results.

I keep wanting to post, but there's so much to say that I end up saying
nothing, putting it off until I have more time to gather and sort my
thoughts. As that results in an empty journal, here's the shitty first
draft instead.

~*~ I start as a post-bachelor pre-physical therapy student this January.
There's paperwork up the yin-yang that I have no time to sort through, I
don't know what classes I'll be able to fit into my work schedule, which
will likely be different by January.

~*~ My family continues to rock hard in the schoolyard. Especially apparent
now that I'm on the crazy train of work+8 hours of class.

~*~ Job continues to suck, and I'm doing some hard evaluation of the bad
habits and mental bullshit that's been keeping me here. It's like an
exorcism, realizing how much I've been embracing the handicap of a job with
no decision-making as if I really couldn't do anything more complicated, as
if the stress of taking dumb orders and accomplishing nothing is somehow
less than the responsibility of actual authority.

I have a brain outside of work that I use and enjoy. I make life-changing
decisions, create art, am responsible for the lives, health and happiness of
others, own and care for property--for some reason it gets weird when bosses
and pay are involved. I'm tackling this, because it's ridiculous and I
can't live in this mousy work-box anymore. I have no conception of my true
work capability. I know it's way more than this, and I need to start acting
like it because I can't waste any more time in a position that nets me
negative experience points.

~*~ Writing is sidelined but I'm writing more--furtively--than I used to
write purposefully. Also, I've been sketching and painting for the first
time in half a decade.

In other news, I need ink for my pen. All I have is some cheap twenty year
old green I never liked the shade of. This stuff looks delightful.

Comments

[kernezelda]

Hey, you. :)