Solstice is coming.

[feldman]

The winter solstice is coming, the traditional nadir for my brain, and yet I am still wide awake and functional. On the contrary, handling quite a bit of stress these days and not shutting down, freaking out or falling apart.

My latest sun replacement strategy: begin each week day with a hit from the light box and a rather large dose of vitamin D. Also, Mr. F believes that having a kid re-wired parts of my brain, which is an interesting idea. So many things have changed it's been like a second puberty: a few things softer, a few more sensitive, everything else souped up in strange ways. So the whole "maid, mother, crone" thing seems to have a basis in phenotype, and I'm finally getting the hang of how my mortal coil works in this second phase.

The upshot is that while my current dilemmas may appear intractable, I've been able to focus on them instead of curling up to sleep and feel like utter crap. I've been able to chip away at them, cut paths around them, identify the keystones holding them in place, draft plans and begin making war machines from local materials to lay siege and obliterate them from my kingdom.

In recent months I've stopped debating if I'm worth the risk of pursuing my dreams, stopped putting obstacles in between to prove my desires again and again. I've begun simply moving toward what I want, from tiny to huge. If it turns out I don't want it when I get it, I've learned something, and can pick a better target next time.

I don't have to stick with what doesn't work for me. I must only change myself for the better, and keep looking for where I fit most comfortably.

I can handle a year-round commitment now, and I've finally taken that to heart. I can tackle whatever needs doing, be it daunting or draining--so now I turn my sight to what calls to be done, what will feed me instead of devour me by inches.

I'm not working from a finite source of Energy, I can draw and channel far more than I'd ever thought possible. I am indeed working from a finite source of Time. It's one thing to know it as a concept, quite another to put it into practice.

Comments

[kernezelda]

Have I mentioned how admirable I find you? You are self-motivated, push for better from yourself, and don't settle for less than what you want, in the ways you are able to achieve it, slow or fast.

I have great affection for you, and I admire you. You are a fine woman and friend and (can't speak for wife) mother, and I think you are to be pointed out as a role model.

[rubberneck.livejournal.com]

I thank you very much for this.

I'm floored by the grace of finding such wonderful people in my life.