feldman

The first thing to do when you find yourself in a hole is to stop digging, and this hole is like that mythical pirate treasure pit where waves of fortune hunters keep excavating.

There's work to do, but this is a start. We can take it, and make it bigger. There is more suffering ahead, but I feel like there's opportunity for hope. I have a lot to be grateful for. I am also very angry, and tired, and determined.

This whole week has been about re-learning hope by inches. There's been crying, as I've let go of successive worst case scenarios. Today is the first time I feel any confidence that the murder clown and his oligarchic mlm bandwagon have an expiration date.

I have not achieved catharsis, but stress relief is a fairly strong migraine trigger for me. One time I had such a lovely time in Cleveland with

fbf I ended up barfing on the side of the highway as six months of stress rebooted my brain. With that in mind I've really been trying the last year not to bottle things up or shove through, but I suspect I'm just *less* bad at taking time and taking care of myself. Eventually the sense of safety (or at least lessened danger) will soak in.

My fancy new vaporizer is arriving today, so either way I'm taking the brain off the hook tonight and hoping to shake some of this out.

In the last 6 weeks I've hired and trained a new assistant, gotten a new work laptop while work did a huge software migration, and moved into a house. It's a pace of change that's pushing the limit even without it being depression season (43 days until the solstice!). Maybe this sense of limbo will hang on until Inauguration and then my brain will turn inside out like a puking frog.