The world is currently chrysalis goo
Jan. 5th, 2022 01:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
feldmanHaving paid for my account for another year, I should probably also use it? Previous posts have been scrapped due to excessive whining, minutia, or numb blankness.
The last four months have been especially bad. Hitting the 18 month mark both Mr. F and I have been trading off a kind of functional breakdown where we alternate going batshit. Like, days where you're just trying to get home and safe, but you're both the screaming teething toddler AND the exhausted parent, where you've absorbed a bit too much human misery and bullshit and cannot trust yourself not to get into a parking lot fight.
We both blew a fuse this fall. We've been navigating through this pandemic, and we've been fortunate to not be economic roadkill this time around, but Mr. F has been effectively "on-call" since it started, and I work in food insecurity. We took a long weekend in Chicago, knowing it was our only chance before another winter surge. It was lovely, a much-needed balm, the aquarium brought me to tears with wonder and beauty, I had 90min of bodywork that cracked and squeezed me like a platter of crab legs, and we had the pleasure of tipping very well everywhere we went.
I feel like the world has been dissolving for a long time, and now these processes are catalyzed. I do wonder, if I had been a more successful GenX, if my parents had been financially successful Boomers, how terrified would I be right now? I dunno. Instead I feel I'm living through the fruition of a lot of evil that I've been powerless to stop being sowed.
So yeah, how does one make this into an emotionally sustainable lifestyle? I sound batshit just asking the question. I can resort to 1. safety first 2. honesty always 3. people are more important than things. I can keep believing that humans are not just the worst thing to happen to humans, they are also the best. I think I can. I can talk, and write, and try to tell stories again, as dead concepts ferment and compost in my head and perhaps become sweet enough to grow things in.
The last four months have been especially bad. Hitting the 18 month mark both Mr. F and I have been trading off a kind of functional breakdown where we alternate going batshit. Like, days where you're just trying to get home and safe, but you're both the screaming teething toddler AND the exhausted parent, where you've absorbed a bit too much human misery and bullshit and cannot trust yourself not to get into a parking lot fight.
We both blew a fuse this fall. We've been navigating through this pandemic, and we've been fortunate to not be economic roadkill this time around, but Mr. F has been effectively "on-call" since it started, and I work in food insecurity. We took a long weekend in Chicago, knowing it was our only chance before another winter surge. It was lovely, a much-needed balm, the aquarium brought me to tears with wonder and beauty, I had 90min of bodywork that cracked and squeezed me like a platter of crab legs, and we had the pleasure of tipping very well everywhere we went.
I feel like the world has been dissolving for a long time, and now these processes are catalyzed. I do wonder, if I had been a more successful GenX, if my parents had been financially successful Boomers, how terrified would I be right now? I dunno. Instead I feel I'm living through the fruition of a lot of evil that I've been powerless to stop being sowed.
So yeah, how does one make this into an emotionally sustainable lifestyle? I sound batshit just asking the question. I can resort to 1. safety first 2. honesty always 3. people are more important than things. I can keep believing that humans are not just the worst thing to happen to humans, they are also the best. I think I can. I can talk, and write, and try to tell stories again, as dead concepts ferment and compost in my head and perhaps become sweet enough to grow things in.
no subject
Date: 2022-01-05 08:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-01-06 10:58 am (UTC)This really resonates with me. I'm sorry it's been a struggle for you two, and I wish I had any kind of answer for you, but I'm in the same place you are, floundering and trying to find a way to be that makes any sense.